Posted by: cordy74 | December 20, 2010

Merry Christmas and just be quiet. 

My wife and I have two great kids.  They are both very smart and, for the most part, very well-behaved.  I can take these kids into the toy section of any store on earth without the fear of hearing them beg and plead and whine for every toy they see.  Sure, they’ll exclaim and get excited about everything they see. They may even ask if they can have something but as soon as they are told they can’t get a toy every time we come to the store they won’t throw a fit.

Having said that I must now state the following:

I swear to Baby Jesus  in His golden manger that if I have to hear one more stinkin’ thing about the American Girl dolls, their accessories, their history, the Girl of the Year or ANYTHING  about Inner Star University before Christmas I am going to drop kick somebody.

The American Girl company sent us two catalogs a few months ago and my daughter has been reading those things NONSTOP!  She doesn’t just look at the pictures; she STUDIES them.  The girl has been through those catalogs so many times they are dog-eared and ragged.  She has memorized them.  The information contained in them is now an integral part of her psyche.  Stock in the American Girl company goes up 2% every time she passes gas.

My daughter knows she probably isn’t going to get an American Girl doll for Christmas because they are so expensive.  This hasn’t dampened her persistence.  The girl insists on pulling random American Girl facts out of the air and slinging them at us.  She has even let me know that, even though the dolls are pretty expensive, there are several items and accessories for the dolls that are less than $5 a piece.  These facts do absolutely nothing for me.

I do have to hand it to the American Girl doll company, though.  They certainly do believe in diversity.  No matter what your daughter looks like she can get a doll that looks just like her.  I think that’s great.  I believe in diversity just as much as the next guy (As long as the next guy isn’t a Skinhead, I guess).  The American Girl dolls go a little further than just looking like your daughter.  You can get dolls that share the same religion and culture as your daughter, too.  They even have a Jewish American Girl doll named Rebecca Ruben.

I think having a doll like Rebecca Ruben is a really good idea.  But if I have to hear one more tidbit of information about Rebecca Ruben I swear on the name of Moses, The Destroyer of Worlds (Forgive me if I don’t have his title quite right. It’s been a while since I cracked open a Torah.) I am going to take the jawbone of the ass that Isaac used to slay Xenu, the Intergalactic Walrus, and beat the holy hell out of somebody.  Seriously. I am just that tired of hearing about these stupid-ass dolls.

Now that I have gotten that out of my system I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Joyus Festivus.  Feel free to celebrate the Holidays however you choose.  And rest easy knowing that the American Girl doll company is perfectly willing to supply a creepy-ass doppelganger of your daughter should you feel the need to fork over just under $100.



  1. I fear the day when “Canadian Girl” comes to the Great White North. For now I will seek sanctuary in my fort entirely made of couch cushions. May the Geekmas be with you.

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