Dora is a Role Model

I don’t know any Hispanic people. Not really, anyway. Sure, one of my wife’s best friends (if you are actually reading this you know who you are) is half-Mexican but she doesn’t really count. She doesn’t really seem to take part in the Hispanic culture. I mean, she’s Mormon for goodness sake! At any rate, since I don’t know any, everything I know about Hispanic people I have learned by watching Dora The Explorer.

For those of you not “in the know” on this one Dora is a young Hispanic girl who travels her world solving problems with her best friend, Boots, who happens to be a monkey. She is also accompanied a rogue cast of characters, including the following:

• a talking backpack called Backpack
• a talking map called (you guessed it) Map
• a Spanish-speaking squirrel named Tico
• a bull named Benny
• an iguana named Isa
• a thieving fox named Swiper

Now for all I know about Hispanic people:

Persistence:
I know that Hispanic people are persistent. Once Dora has identified her task or her mission she will not quit until she succeeds. This girl can and will overcome any obstacle, no matter how ridiculous or contrived, that stands in her way. Now, along with the attribute of persistence comes:

Assistance:
Hispanic people may not stop for anything in an effort to achieve their goals but it seems they also require a lot of help along the way. Dora may keep the show rolling along but she seems to require a lot of people to help her along. Whether it be her best friend, the ADHD monkey, Boots, or Backpack and Map, Dora wouldn’t get where she needs to go without all of this cooperation from her over-indulgent acquaintances.

Directions:
Apparently Hispanic people can get anywhere on earth they need to go by obtaining information on how to get to two way points and then the final destination. Invariably, Dora is told by Map how to get where she needs to go in a very simplistic way. “First you make your way to Rivendell, then you go through the Emin Muil. And that’s how you get to Cracks of Doom.” That’s it. That is all the information Dora would need to get to her destination. She never gets lost and always makes it just in time. I can’t help but think that she might benefit from GPS instead of a talking map. Then Dora might be able to avoid some of the entanglements she runs into along the way.

Speech:
I get the impression that Hispanic people tend to yell a lot, repeat themselves, pause inconveniently while speaking and insist that you repeat after them. If you have ever watched Dora you know she’s very vocal and loves to explain every little task she needs to accomplish in order to get past an obstacle. Not only does she vocalize everything, she wants anyone watching to repeat it with her. Dora also pauses occasionally for an uncomfortable length of time in an almost Shatner-esque fashion. Some will claim these pauses allow children watching time to repeat what Dora is saying. I don’t buy it. I think Dora has suffered some manner of brain damage that causes her to randomly pause. My God! Look at the size of her head! That kind of swelling has got to be caused by some form of blunt-force trauma.

Attitude:
Just like with any other race, there are nasty Hispanics out in the world.  In just about every Dora episode I have seen she encounters Swiper The Fox.
By his name you would think that Swiper is a thief.  He’s really not.  To be honest, Swiper is more of a bastard.  I’m serious.  When Dora encounters Swiper he is usually sleeping and she tries to sneak past him.  If he wakes up he will invariably take some object she needs to complete her quest.  He doesn’t take it to keep it.  He will take it simply to throw it away and make it harder for Dora to make it to her destination.  Thus, he’s a bastard.

That’s about it. Everything I know about Hispanic people distilled into a few short paragraphs. Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure they are a wonderful and multi-faceted people. I just don’t happen to run in the same circles as any Hispanic people…unless you count the cleaning crew at work. That doesn’t really count, though. It’s not a social setting and I don’t really have the time or opportunity to sit down and learn anything about them. They’d probably look at me like I was a lunatic if I tried.

By the way: this was meant as a humorous look at Dora and not at Hispanic people. No hate mail please. I’m not racist. I dislike all people equally. If you can’t see that then you probably have never actually met me or listened to any of the asinine comments that spill forth from my mouth in a neverending stream of absurdity.

Have you sat down and watched a cartoon about a brain damaged Hispanic girl with your children lately?